interesting name, amirite? i honestly couldn't think of anything else at the time, so i just stuck with it.
anywho, here is my one shot. it's posted on my tumblr as well. i don't really know why i'm posting this, it's not like anyone will read it anyway lmfao oh well.
i'm warning you ahead of time, it's a little bit long. enjoy! c:
There I was, standing on one of those fold-able beach chairs, belting out the chorus to 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' whilst in a coconut bra, my two best friends rolling on the sand in fits of laughter. I was completely off-key, and looked like a complete nutter, but I was off in my own world by now. Needless to say, I'd caught the attention on quite a few passer-bys who were now recording me. Great, I was bound to be an internet sensation.
"Thank you, thank you," I said as I finished, taking several bows, and even curtsied. The small group that had formed around me applauded. "Now screw off, show's over." I added, stepping down from the chair, which would have collapsed if I was on it for merely another second. People grumbled to them selves and walked off, disappointing. I couldn't blame them, I had that effect on people often.
"You're completely off your rocker, Kristen. You looked well mental. You've taken insanity to a new level." My best friend Jules said through her constant laughter. I was expecting Gabby to make a comment as well, but she was too busy clutching her stomach and wheezing. Yes, she was laughing so hard, she was wheezing. I'm a riot, what can I say?
"Whatever bebs, tell that to my agent." I said snobbish-like, sliding on my sunglasses and lifting my nose, just to add the effect. I heard someone clapping, but just assumed it was Gabby or Jules, and leaned back in the beach chair I was once standing on.
"Oh my god, you're- you're Liam Payne." I heard Gabby stutter. Obviously she was trying to mess with me. What even would a s/ex god like Liam Payne from One Direction be doing here at Winchelsea Beach, anyway? I need to give her pointers on this lying thing, she wasn't very good at it.
"Stop trying to take the p/iss, Gabs. It's not going to work." I stated, laying back with my eyes closed.
"She's not, Kris. Oh my sweet baby Jesus. Erm, hi Liam." Jules managed to spit out. Wow, they weren't going to give up, were they? Without looking up, I put on a really high-pitched girly voice.
"Oh my god, Liam Payne. Give me some of your gravy. Why are you so fit? Marry me and let's watch Toy Story together." I mocked, making unnecessary gestures with my hands.
"Erm, the rest is rather inappropriate, but the Toy Story part sounds good to me." A male voice said. My head snapped up at that, and I was face to face with none other than Liam effing Payne. Judging by the expression on his face, he wasn't sure weather to laugh or be completely creeped out. Why God, why must you hate me so very much?
"Uh, disregard everything I just said, please?" I said, my cheeks turning a thousand shades of red.
"No problem." He chucked, making me swoon right then and there. "I was just coming over to see why everyone flocked over here. I just caught the end of your performance. Bravo!" He clapped.
"Well, I am pretty talented. What can I say?" I replied, with a sarcastic roll of my eyes. I really hoped he caught on that I was joking, or else he probably thought I was some sort of chav.
"Yeah, I-" Liam began, but I cut him off when the familiar jingle of the ice cream cart came around. I am such a lard a/ss.
"ICE CREAM." I hollered, jumping up and tossing my sunglasses off. "Where is the ice cream? I need ice cream." I'm not really sure why I was acting like this in front of a sex god. I guessed his sexiness made my brain refuse to function properly.
"So I take it you are repulsed by ice cream?" Liam commented, snorting. Did he just snort? He just snorted. That was possibly the cutest snort I had ever heard. I darted straight to the cart, ditching Gabby and Jules, who were awestruck that a celebrity was talking to me.
"I'll get it." Liam said, startling me as he appeared next to me out of nowhere. He handed the guy money, and handed me a chocolate cone. Aw, my favorite. H/ell yeah, Liam Payne just bought me my favorite ice cream. Bless this day.
As if I didn't come off as enough of a complete idiot, gravity decided to torture me. Just as I was on my way back to where I was sitting, I tripped. Over what, you ask? Air. I tripped over air. I'm a complete moron.
And just to make matters worse, my delicious ice cream cone landed directly in my face. There goes my food, and my first impression on Liam.
The universe must be conspiring against me today.
"You absolute klutz, you." Gabby managed to say through her wheezing laughter. I scrambled up from the warm sand and threw what was left of my cone at her.
"Let's get you cleaned up." Liam said, trying not to laugh himself. And then the most beautiful thing happened. He scooped me into his arms and carried me, yes carried in in his strong arms, towards the outdoor showers.
"How about we ditch those idiots." I suggested to Liam as I stretched my chin out under the faucet, washing off the sticky chocolate. It must look like I had a face full of s/hit to the average passer by. Bloody perfect.
"Sounds like a plan." He replied with a grin. I was not expecting him to say yes. I was expecting him to say something along the lines of 'Are you mad, woman? I'm famous and you're weird, leave me alone'. Then, without warning, he grabbed my hand and we ran down the boardwalk.
I don't know how I survived through all of this, I mean surely my heart had stopped working by now. I checked my pulse as we ran to ensure I'm alive, then pinched myself to be certain I was even awake. For all I knew this could just be a vivid dream. But no, I was fully awake and running away with none other than Liam Payne.
My inner fangirl was imagining we were running away to get married. Judge me.
"Where are we going?" I asked, panting. We had seriously only been running for about two minutes, and I was heaving. I really was a lard a/ss.
"I haven't really thought about that..." He commented, laughing. We slowed down a bit, and than re-entered the beach. The scorching sand almost burnt the soles of my feet as we scampered along towards his towel, which were surrounded by four other boys.
A minute later, I was being introduced to One Direction. How was I not unconscious by now?
"Harry, can I touch your dimples?" Were the first words out of my mouth. What in bloody h/ell was wrong with me? I definitely seemed like a p/edophile now.
"Uh, sure?" He responded, looking creeped out. Liam couldn't help but laugh. And what did I do? No, I didn't apologize for sounding like a retard and refrain. I actually touched his dimples. This would make a lovely story to tell my children one day.
"No way, you're the girl who was singing the coconut song. You legend." I whipped my head to see Louis, topless and dripping wet. I don't know how I did it, but I resisted the urge to maul him right then and there. And then I blushed. I was being called a legend BY the legend. Lord help me, I think I died and gone to heaven.
"The name's Kristen. And me, legend? That's all you, Louis Tomlegendson." I said, chuckling awkwardly. That sounded so much stupider out loud than it did in my head.
"Awkward turtle." I announced. I tend to do that when I feel moments are too awkward for my liking.
"I had a turtle once. It died though." Liam added. Good to know.
"Thanks for the information. I'm just going to go now. Nice meeting you all." I needed a way out of this, or else I was going to end up in a rubber room the way this was headed. I turned to walk away, but Liam stood in front of me, blocking me.
"What are you doing?" He asked, smiling his adorable smile, while looking confused. Curse you and you're good looks, Liam.
"Erm, I'm just embarrassing myself in front of celebrities. You know, the usual. I should get going." I tried to side-step and walk around him, but he just blocked me again.
"You're not going anywhere." He said. I wasn't sure weather to be extremely happy, or really scared.
"I'm not going to have to shout for help, am I?" I asked, fake cringing. The boys laughed. They actually laughed. Who knew I was actually funny?
"No, no. It's just you seem fun, and I want you to stay." Liam pouted, getting on his knees. Seriously, how was I not dead. He was on his KNEES for crying out loud. "Don't make me beg?"
This had to be a dream.
"Fine, I'll stay. But only because I'm too lazy to walk all the way back." And with that I took a seat next to Niall. "Could I see your guitar?" I figured I'd already embarrassed myself to full extent, so why not just act like a fool for the hell of it. It sure would make One Direction remember my name, since it's not like I'd be seeing them again after this.
"You play guitar?" He asked in his hot Irish accent.
"No, I just use it to make toast." I remarked, sarcastically. Who did I think I was, treating One Direction like this? Fan girls around the world would shun me if they heard me right now. "Now, this one goes out to all of the children in Africa. One, two, three." And with that I started strumming the guitar with no clue as to how it worked, and hollered the words to 'My Humps' by Fergie. Soon enough, all of the boys were singing along, and we ended in a fit of laughter.
"You are so cute." Liam said quietly, like he was unsure if he wanted to say it out loud or keep it in his head. I don't think he knew I heard him though. I swear my heartbeat increased to hummingbird speed. Liam Payne thought I was cute.
This couldn't be happening.
"I should really get back to my friends now, they probably think I'm dead. Not that they seem to care too much, considering there is no search party looking for me or anything. It was nice meeting you guys." I figured I was right, I should be getting back to Jules and Gabby.
"I'll walk you back." Liam offered, standing up with me. I shrugged my shoulders and smiled, as well as waved to the boys, all at the same time. Multitasking at it's finest.
We decided to walk along the shore line, the tide brushing past out feel every so often. Halfway back I felt Liam's fingers lace with mine, sending tingles up my spine. He looked down at me, smiling, and I beamed back. Most likely looking constipated or something.
"I don't know if you heard me back there, but you're so cute." He said, gently squeezing my hand.
"I heard, and so are you." I actually sounded like a normal human being right now.
"Wait." He said, stopping in his place. He turned to face me. "Before you go." He leaned in slightly. HE WANTED TO KISS ME. Liam Payne wasn't turned off by my compulsive weirdness.
I had to bite my lip to prevent me from squealing as he got closer.
Just kidding, it didn't prevent it. A small squeak escaped my lips, ruining the moment. Great. His half shut eyes sprung open, and a smile spread across his face.
"Did- did you just squeal?" He asked, laughing like a maniac.
"No, you must be hearing things." I retorted.
"I'm pretty sure you squealed."
"No, no. That was you, not me."
"I squealed?" He pointed to himself.
"Yup." I nodded my head matter-of-factly.
"Oh, okay then." He rolled his eyes, obviously thinking I was seriously mental. Which I don't blame him.
"Yup." I repeated. "Well I guess I'm off now. Goodbye," I took a long, exaggerated dramatic pause like I intended, "FOREVER." Dun dun dunnnnn.
"Forever? That's too long for me." He slipped a piece of paper into my palm, to which I immediately opened to reveal his phone number. Nice to know that he had pre-written up papers with his phone number on them to hand out to people whenever he feels like it.
"Erm, bye. I guess I'll text you later, yeah?" I grinned.
"Yeah." He replied.
And then we just kind of stood there awkwardly, looking at each other.
"I- uh- I should- erm- yeah." I stuttered while pointing to Gabby, who was beckoning me over. "Adios." What was I, Spanish now?
I turned to go back to the beach chair that I started in, when Liam grabbed my wrist and spun me around, locking lips. His were all pouty, just like I had imagined. It was only for a couple of seconds, but for me it might as well have been a lifetime.
"Adios." He whispered, then walked off like a god, towards the sunset.
I was officially the happiest girl in the entire universe.